Chaos

 Bourbon. Neat.

It's hard for me to remember when things changed. When I stopped wanting to keep trying to go to church. When I decided I didn't care what a church said, I was going to drink alcohol. I was going to live the life I wanted to live, how I wanted to live it. I would live in a way that I could feel good about and feel true to myself. When I was going to leave my wife. When I was going to put myself first in life.

Now, a couple of years later. It's all just details. It's about where I was and where I'm at. Let's start with where I was. Devout. Honest. Clean cut. whatever the hell that means. also. fuck punctuation and spelling. well. its not like this is for anyone else. not really.

Where was I. oh yeah. clean cut mormon boy. it is both impossible for me to see that I was ever him. and yet. somehow. i dont know who i would be now if i wasnt him then.

alright. so. no drugs, no alcohol, no tobacco, tea, coffee. you know the drill.

Now I sit, a year into the virus. A year into the world changing. drinking bourbon. neat.

at least I didnt fall prey to what many who grew up mormon do. they buy cheap and they drink to drink. they literally do what mormon parents everywhere warn them alcohol makes you do.

perks to marrying into a family who isnt mormon. donalds, if any of you ever manage to read this, however unlikely. thank you for your love in the time I was a part of your family. I will always remember you all fondly.

but yes. i was able to see what a perfectly functional american society looks like when alcohol is not absent. and i saw that it didnt need to be what i was warned about. it could be that. it could be violence and anger. but it could also be laughter and joy. ease. not a necessary addition to life as I clung to so long. I was right then. You dont NEED alcohol for any situation. but social lubricant is nice. hell. sometimes it helps your brain get out of its own way.

now. here we are now. 2021. a glass of fine pnw bourbon. aged on the puget sound. how FUCKING COOL! and I never would have known. if old me could see current. real me. a collection of fun, interesting whiskey on my desk. a beautiful glass decanter filled with a perfect, balanced bottle of buffalo trace.

its amusing. 

for me, this chaos. this virus. life has changed. but, it changed as it has been changing for a few years now. a steady progression. for a long time I saw it as building myself back up to who I was so that I could start my life over.

but that was never it.

I have been growing. But not to what I was. At one point, it may have even been parallel with old me

but this. now? This is something new. Yet. it is who I have always been. just now, I dont limit myself. I dont hold back. I have grown in a job. Reminded myself of what I can do when I put my mind to it. I can become the best. the leader.

I dont have to live my life a slave to my depression. to my anger. to my fear.

I am in charge, i control my own fate now. for better or for worse.

OH. and this wasnt meant to be heavy. it kinda just ran away from me. the amusing point that this all started on was the thought I had as I poured the last of a very special bottle of whiskey for myself tonight. I would say about half of all people that find out im a whiskey guy get grossed out looks on their face. they associate whiskey with some awful experience years past that scarred them for life. then you have me. who had his first drink at like 24. and its the only alcohol i keep in the house always. hell. i collect them like books.

i dunno. it was funny to me

life changes. life goes on.

its 4. bedtime is coming up for the vampire. alas. maybe in another year i will write again. i should write more. ether here or a book. somewhere to record this all. for myself at least

who knows. maybe someday the cards will change. maybe I will believe in society. maybe i will have hope for a future where I want a kid and a family. but for now. its just survive. stay alive long enough to find out if thats what I want someday.

keep on fighting. for something more.